Letting Him Go (2)

Hi guys!
So writing the latter part was a little hard probably because I had to go back memory lane.
And sometimes that ain't fun. I briefly considered not writing it sef but then I started it so I better finish it.  Right? Lol.

If you missed the last post you can read it Here.
So! Where did I stop? Yep! The signs that made me realize I had to let go off the past.

Pic
Now we lived in different states, quite far from where we nothing lived, but we used the opportunity to catch up about each other's lives.

I have mentioned that he is very intelligent( or maybe I didn't) so I always took the opportunity to get his perspective on some issues.

It all seemed very clear cut.
 I mean! What could be wrong in seeing occasionally? I didn't realize that I had anything to be concerned about or that it had become imperative that I let go until i started seeing a pattern.

OVER RELIANCE
I relied on him a lot, even after we had broken up, he was always my first port of call when I needed any kind of help because I knew he would never hesitate to give me whatever I asked even when it wasn't convenient for him. In fact, he did more after the break up than he did for me while dating.
When I needed advice, it was him I called, money: either for dash or borrow, lol!  if I needed money to just lay in my account, it was him I asked first, when work made it inevitable that I travelled down
to where he lived (my office has branches all over) I could always rely on him to pick me up, drop me off, basically chauffeur me around, take me around town to the happening spots, take me shopping  e.t.c.

I always knew that he was there for me.

SIN and SEX
 There was always temptation whenever we saw. Add the ex factor to the sexual chemistry to the feelings and the love and nostalgia and you had a recipe for disaster.
I am Team Abstinence and have been for four years , but try telling my body that. It had a mind of its own lol. it remembered stuff from before Christ that it had no business remembering. #enough said.

DEPRESSION
After the high from meeting him subsided, plus the inevitable sexual urge which I then had to try to suppress, i also had to battle with depression. I began to notice that I was always so depressed for periods after we met. Before I knew it, as soon as he left or I arrived back home from traveling, sadness would envelope me closely followed by regret and pain.The kind of pain that would tightly coil itself around my heart for days on end. It was hardly something I could share with anybody so I had to go through it alone.
Pain that we were forced apart, regret that I lost him, that we weren't married, that I could never call him mine even though I was the one who had his heart, regret that we would never have kids together, that we didn't get to live our happily ever after. Etc.


ROMANTICISED LOVE
I also realized that I had built a picture in my head of him as the Perfect one that got away.
It's true that we never had an argument, and I loved him hard, but still it was not the perfect ideal I built it up to be in my head.

In my mind, I couldn't love any man as much as I loved him, neither could any man love me as much as he did so I sort of put him on a pedestal of perfection which would have done major harm to my marriage as I am certain that I would constantly have compared the future hubby to him. Even if I didn't say it lol, you can be sure that I would have been thinking it.
I also had to stop comparing him to other men as they almost always fell short. I was very impatient with any perceived shortcomings.

 PUTTING HIM FIRST
I also realized that he was like an absentee boyfriend. Present but absent.
He would be the one I would call to gist with, complain and whine to, and tease him. If I needed career advice or even financial one, he always got first call.
If I wanted to make a life changing decision, I always sought his counsel.
He is one of the few people I trust the most in this world.
He kinda filled a gap that he shouldn't have been filling. It made me less lonely as I knew. that he was always there, and I didn't date for long periods of times because I wasn't lonely and if anyone I was dating had complained about him, you can be sure that I would rather have had my ex in my life than
them.
Meaning, that I wouldn't have hesitated to drop them like its hot. Lol.
He was that important to me. And of course he shouldn't have been. I mean he had taken over the space meant for my future husband.


At a point I began to feel God telling me I wasn't serious yet about the future and that i had to let my Ex go in order to access the future. And I would never be able to do that while flirting with the past.
I had to show my commitment to the future by letting go of the past. Not so much physically ( which is where the marriage Comittee has it wrong) as much as Emotionally. Emotional strings are the ones I feel can do a lot of damage to a relationship or marriage.

I had to do emotional surgery.
Without anesthesia.
And boy was it hard.
But it had become imperative.

I really debated making this one a long post so as to conclude. But I would have had to remove some stuff in order to make it shorter. So I figured, Its better I write it as it comes.
So! Final post coming really soon. I don't know why this post is just expanding oh. But it's concluding in the next one.

4 comments:

  1. It's certainly not easy going down memory lane but it's part of the healing process.

    Patiently waiting to see where this story leads.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are right. It was hard for me relive some stuff that I hadn't revisited in a long time.
      But it's all good. Time for healing.
      Thanks for coming . #big hug to you and Bomboy.

      Delete
  2. Hmmn! Nawa oh!! eez not a Joking things sam sam. SoldToChrist ehhnn.. Youn see this thing called love ba.. or even fondness sef.. they both go as deep as deep goes into the mind of the indulgers (new Word Alert :)). Some parts of your write up even had me thinking about my life sef.. **Drags Roll of Tissue and cleans lone tear :).. But when you said this...

    "I had to show my commitment to the future by letting go of the past."

    I had the gbam! Gbammer!! Gbammest!! feeling... as that was and is Different shades of the truth. Thanks for sharing Bubba.. On a long run yeah.. I am learning at 24.. That letting go is not always the easiest of choices (as i always silently have the "Nonso you can still be friends" Argument in my head from time to time).. But its always the right choice to leave em behind.. Okay Maybe not Totally shaaa **Winks.. but at least in the areas that affect us and our future relationships the most. Blessings Bubba.

    Hello from the colder side :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Duru. Lol @ colder side.

      Delete

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